Day 16: Anniversary Dinner (for Six)

Four years. Four incredible years. That's how long Cole and I have been together. In that time, we've had so many special moments... both good and bad. Our first date. Our first kiss. Meeting friends. Our first fight. The first tears (mine). Meeting families. Our first trip away. The first "I love you" (he said it first). Moving in together. Getting engaged. Getting married. Getting pregnant. Losing our little girl. Our four year dating anniversary. There were a few other things in between, too. As I left for work this morning, Cole said, "I could've never guessed that my life would change on a blind date four years ago today." We do have so much to celebrate tonight, and just like in years past, we go back to where it all began: Plan B. 

But, as much as we have to celebrate tonight, it goes without saying that we've had a rough nine weeks. This week, in particular, has been hard for me and I don't know why. There hasn't been a singular trigger... it's not something I saw, something someone said, or anything that someone did. It's just been a tough week, where everything has seemed to bring me back to a dark place. I see pregnant moms, read the news, and hear sad stories. I walk through parking lots and pass through malls wondering, "Why them and not me?" It's terrible to think, I know, but it's something I need to work through (as referenced in TED talk).

After work, I met Cole at Plan B. He was sitting in the same spot where I met him four years ago; we can be cheesy like that. He had a beer and had just ordered a glass of wine for me. We sat at the bar until we decided to request "our spot" in the dining room. As we waited to be seated, we passed a couple who was pregnant and on the way to the bathroom with their preschool-aged son; we were seated next to this same couple for dinner. 

Something Cole and I have always been judgmental about is the family who plops their kid in front of a tablet for the entirety of dinner, with no social interaction. Cole and I sat and admired how much this family interacted during dinner: the mother and son were sifting through a coloring book together, with each pointing out colors and animals to each other. We appreciated this pregnant mom and dad, who were excitedly looking through a book with their son over dinner. We admired it so much that we decided to take care of dinner for this expectant family of three (plus one).

Cole sought out their waiter (who also happened to be the bar manager that enabled Cole to be the first New Belgium tap in CT last week), and offered his credit card. I quickly penned a note explaining what we wanted to do for them, and why we wanted to do it - we wanted to celebrate their family and wish them well in the coming months. As Cole and I enjoyed our four year anniversary dinner, the family was handed the note with their paid-for dinner. While no looks or words were ever exchanged, that's not what we were looking for. Honestly, we were just looking to put a smile on a young family's face. We left Plan B tonight happy to celebrate something in addition to ourselves, by celebrating the people (and parents) that we want to be someday. 

And it felt good.

Day 15: Gym Day

Building on our theme of growing and building up our strength, we went to find a gym. It sounds crazy, right? I've never been to an actual gym before... high school and college gyms, yes. But not a gym-gym.

So off we went on our big search. We found a place, not far from us, in an Anytime Fitness (it's called "Anytime" because they're open all the time). Going in, Cole seemed a bit hesitant, perhaps a little standoffish. We filled out our information sheets and went in to sit down with our very own health coach to talk about our fitness goals.

This was very much a new area for me to explore; I just let Cole talk. We both want to be healthier, but "carb loading" and "protein ratios" aren't things that either one of us could speak to. We didn't even know how many times a week we wanted to come in, or if it would be a strength day, muscle day, or heart day. Being slightly overwhelmed, we tried to explain that we just needed help.

Next, our sales guy took us on a tour. We saw plenty of weight machines, learned all about their "basic" vs "jump start" vs "everything" packages (though we still kind of don't really get those either), and even saw their private bathrooms. Apparently, there are group classes that we can take, and ropes to climb and swing on. He even told us about a sand-filled ball that we can throw really hard (not that I actually could). Honestly, it was all a little much.  

Cole and I were able to sign up for a 7-day trial, but were on the same page that the gym seemed to ask a lot for a longer commitment. We'll see if this is a great opportunity for me (and us) to grow closer and stronger. I'm glad that we went exploring and I eagerly wait to find a routine that will actually work for us. 

Day 14: The Wisdom of TED

We initially planned on a different "first" yesterday, but Mother Nature didn't cooperate with us. Knowing that it is always good to have a fallback plan (or two) in place, we lined up a few quick-fire firsts which paid off for the first time last night. We were each familiar with TED Talks, but Ellaine had never watched any, and we definitely have not watched or discussed any together.  

Going through the catalog, Ellaine found "Why we need to all practice emotional first aid" offered by a Swedish Psychologist, Guy Winch. Thinking this was exactly the type of learning experience we were seeking out, we settled in to watch it together. 

Guy's basic premise is simple: we go to the doctor when we feel flu-ish or a nagging pain, so why don’t we see a health professional when we feel emotional pain? Though he never touched directly on loss within the talk, he did hit some unexpected points that both Ellaine and I have been guilty of.  

Setting the stage for why emotional hygiene matters, Guy illustrated that multiple studies have indicated that loneliness is as damaging to your health (or lifespan) as obesity or smoking. Holding onto and internalizing emotional pains like loneliness, rejection / fear of rejection, or failure impact both your mental and physical well being.  

By not addressing psychological pain, we are more vulnerable to stress and anxiety, that failures and rejections hurt even more. We need to treat ourselves and protect our self-esteem. I am most guilty of ruminating: holding onto something for far too long and letting small events ruin large portions of time. The urge to ruminate has a strong internal feedback in all of us and can be a difficult habit to break. To combat this, we need to recognize and then break the cycle. Each time we find ourselves ruminating, we need to battle negative thinking and "distract" ourselves by consciously thinking of something else. Just a two-minute period of breaking the thought cycle is enough to start combating this.

I have read elsewhere that many emotions are like muscles that need to be worked out to be strengthened. Will power and discipline have been shown to be limited resources that get stronger the more you use them. I see a strong correlation to this discussion 
on strengthening our own mental well being. Ellaine and I will be working to bring introspection to our actions as we move forward to help how we interact with each other and others. The more we recognize our own habits, the more we will each grow as individuals and as our own unstoppable team.

Day 13: Quinoa, Anyone?

In a nod to our epicurean explorations from last time, we decided that we were going to try cooking with a new ingredient to see if we could add it into our rotation. Despite heavy protests, Cole insisted on buying a 10 pound bag of quinoa from Costco (Cole: "It was only $12."). Since he wouldn't listen to me, we had to figure out what to do with it.

We enlisted the help of many friends and internet searches and narrowed it down to three contenders: Quinoa Stuffed Bell Peppers (thanks Andrea), Quinoa Fried Rice (thanks Chanty), and Quinoa salad (thanks Kate). Feeling ambitious, Cole tackled all three so that we would have some options to choose from.  

Starting with the salad, we mixed together chopped red pepper, sautéed onion, ginger, garlic, vinegar sauce, chopped scallions, and some roughly chopped peanuts with the quinoa for our appetizer.  

Cole prepped an all-vegetarian stuffed bell pepper for us, which was not okay with me; so I went to the store to pick up some ground beef to mix in with it. Beyond the beef and quinoa we added some more chopped scallions, pinto beans, and some chopped tomatoes for a hearty stuffing.  

The fried rice quinoa was a familiar recipe, but we substituted the rice for quinoa. Starting with some hot oil, we heated some mashed garlic and ginger until fragrant, before throwing the grain into the dish. Adding some egg and soy sauce, we were mostly there. To finish the dish we mixed in peas and shrimp.

Quinoa... it looks pretty

At the end of this experiment, I am still not a fan of quinoa. The stuffed pepper was fine, but we have to work on the other dishes. The fried quinoa was... mushy. And without a protein in the salad, I couldn't really get myself to come around and like it. Cole loved the stuffed pepper and salad, but we were in agreement with the fried quinoa.  

It was only a matter of time before we tried something I hands-down didn't like. At least Cole has something to cook when I'm not home (since I won't let him shop for anything else until the quinoa is gone). 

Day 12: A Lazy Dog Dangling Day

We needed a lazy afternoon.

After pushing ourselves through a 5k, a well earned break seemed due. So we called up some friends and got ourselves down to the beach to build, was was hopefully going to be, the biggest sand castle we have ever attempted. Apparently, a few other thousand Connecticutahenians wanted to go out and enjoy the beach day with all the perfect weather, too.  Since we did not wake up at 7AM (since why the deuce do you need to rush so that you can relax on the beach?), we were unable to find a plot of sand that would work for our ambitious undertaking.  So we thought of plan B.

We mentioned that Mini has been a pretty amazing pooch.  She has acted as nurse for us on numerous occasions, is there to snuggle with on cold or rainy days, makes for a great running partner (although Ellaine wouldn't know), and she was incredibly intuitive about our loss. Before we knew we were pregnant, she was already acting odd. She was extra snuggly and presented a much calmer demeanor around Ellaine. She was loving and caring and just generally sweet, probably just taking after me.

When we came home from the hospital though, she was completely different. She knew we were completely different. I don't know that she knew what changed, but her demeanor changed with ours. She would walk over and lay her head in our lap or jump on the couch just so that she could lean against us and let us know that it would all get better. She didn't push to go outside and just took on each day at whatever pace we wanted to approach it with. She is, in short, our best friend other than each other.

No better way to beat the heat.

So, plan B was all about doing something special for Mini so that we would all do a first together. Together with the shovel, cooler, and beach umbrella, we shoved the largest kiddie pool that we could find into the back of Vivi to truck home from the beach. We also picked up some bully sticks and even a pig ear.

Once home, we took a quick minute to fill the pool and the results were excellent. She ran out the back door and sprang into the pool like a little gazelle. After hopping around the edge at least four times, she started "digging" into the water and threw the contents of the pool over the whole back yard.

She rolled in the pool.  She jumped out, just to jump back in. She was having the time of her life. By the time we got to the pig ear, she was thoroughly fatigued and slightly wary of the treat in front of her. But eventually, she really enjoyed that as well.

As much fun as we have been having with our own new and different firsts, it has really been a treat to share these firsts with others and see their reactions as well.... even if the individuals we are sharing firsts with are a touch hairier than we are.

Day 11: Fun! Run?

For those of you who may not know me that well, I am not very athletic. At all. I once prided myself on using an elliptical machine for 15 minutes. I own shirts that say "Running Sucks" and "I Hate Running" to let the world know just how much I dislike it.

For years, Cole has tried to get me into running. It's something he enjoys, and he's voiced that he would like to enjoy it with me. We've been running together a few times (ok, once), and it's always ended in me whining or crying or yelling the whole time.

Cole has run in several races as both an individual and as part of a team. Before meeting Cole, the only time I ever ran was as part of my PE classes. So, after years of me saying, "I'd like to do a 5k someday," Cole decided that today would be the day, and that we would enjoy this experience together. Weeks ago, Cole signed us up for my first ever 5k and his first ever fun run. Enter: Color in Motion.

We were among hundreds of people who showed up at Rentschler Field in East Hartford, to partake in this "fun" run. Individuals, friends, families, and couples were hit with a colored cornstarch mixture as they ran 3.1 miles. 


Cole kept it fun, encouraging me the whole way. He urged me to run for as long as I could, and stopped for breaks when I needed it (which, to be honest, was often). As we crossed the finish line together, I felt such a sense of accomplishment. 




I don't know how many more 5k races are in our future, but I do know that we grew together over the course of those 46+ minutes. 

Day 10: WeHa Animal Farm

Looking for inspiration from our friends, we were turned onto a local gem within walking distance from our house! This effort of finding new and different is so great, as I don't know we would have ever found it otherwise.

Olaf the Alpaca was always watching the camera.

In a bid for fun and silly, we went to Westmoor Park on Friday to visit their farmyard. With cats, goats, geese, ducks, cows, and bunnies to visit, we got to laugh and enjoy the beautiful day. Ellaine boldly claimed that she "could never live on a farm" because of the smell, so again, thank God we figured that out now.

Our favorite animal by far was a friendly llama named Cleo (I was a fan from the start because our names are anagrams). Cleo wandered around and was oddly aware of the camera pointed at her. She would pose for you until the camera went up, at which point she would turn her head or trot away.

We also met a new facebook friend who is new to the area. Who knows if she'll become a full fledged part of our circle of friends, but still cool to meet people in a situation where our paths would have never crossed otherwise. Cheers to another great experience, and thank you to John and Sarah for putting us onto it.

Tina, you fat lard,
come get some dinner.

Day 9: Thank You, Southwest!

It is the small things in life that mean everything. It is also the small things that we do not recognize enough on a day to day basis.  

When we found out the news of our loss, I was away on business in Austin. The trip home was the longest, most agonizing period that I have endured. There was such a feeling of helplessness hearing Ellaine's pain and not being able to hold her or even talk to her for hours at a time. I will remember it as the worst day of my life. 

The bright spot on that day came from the employees and individuals within Southwest Airlines. My flight home was not scheduled to get in until after midnight and every other route home was long since booked up (not to mention the substantial change fee that was to come with it).   

Somehow though, a seat freed up (I'm fairly certain someone offered to give up their seat for me). The gate agent gave me my initial ticket and ignored my credit card, telling me to get home to my wife. She informed me I would need to get the ticket for my next leg printed in Ft. Lauderdale. Once there, it took a quick exchange, and the gate attendant hugged me and told me "it will get better" and shared he lost a kid, too.  

I eventually got home three hours early because of Southwest. While it does not seem like much time, those 180 extra minutes meant the world to Ellaine and I. When every second felt like an hour, being able to hold Ellaine's hand was the first light I felt on that day.

The little touches of empathy and humanity exemplified by Southwest is something that is not often seen in any company, especially one in the airline industry. Because of the uniqueness of what they did for us, we took the time to write our first ever letter to a corporation to thank them for what they did. It was a raw experience reliving that day with many tears shed, but we are glad that we did it. Thank you Southwest for inspiring us.
  

Day 8: Where it All Began (Plus a Beer Launch)

In an unplanned, but fitting, venue for our next first, we revisited the place where we met. After days of texts back and forth with Sarah in 2012, she connected Ellaine and me, and within minutes (maybe hours) we agreed on going to Plan B for our first date. 

Plan B Glastonbury will always hold a special place in our hearts. It's where we planned our first date. It's where Ellaine walked past me, looking for "the guy in the pink shirt" because she claimed my shirt looked white under lighting. It's where our story began. We return to Plan B every year on June 30th to celebrate our dating anniversary. We return several days in between, just because we love it so much there. Today, we return for another special reason: New Belgium Brewing Company. In a bold stroke of genius, New Belgium selected Connecticut to be the 44th state that should be honored to buy its beer!

Well before this CT rollout, Ellaine knew just how much I liked this brewery. To make our first Valentine's Day special, she wanted to surprise me with some. Not being a beer drinker herself, she only had to go on what I told her was delicious, specifically Fat Tire and 1554.  She called "at least 40" places that carried this brand, each one being a minimum of four states away. When she finally found a package store that had it and would ship it, she dropped 80-some dollars on 24 very delicious beers for me (I got her a card.... sigh (and she still won't let me forget it)).

So when Ellaine found a poster announcing that New Belgium would be hosting their CT launch at Plan B, she was particularly thrilled for how excited I would be (rightfully so). So much so, that she interrupted her conversation with her girlfriend, Chanty, to send me a snap announcing it.  

Us and our firsts. Top right is them screwing on
the tap handles for the first time!

When we got to Plan B, we explained our relationship history to them and just how much they meant to us. When we layered on my extra tie to growing up in New Belgium's home state of Colorado, Plan B decided to go out of their way for us: not only did I get to drink my very first New Belgium on tap in Connecticut, but they poured me the very first tap in the state. Ellaine enjoyed the very first Heavy Melon poured, and our friend Casey got to enjoy the first Ranger poured. We were also able to meet New Belgium Division Directors, Rich and Greg, both great guys. Seriously, Plan B made that happen for us. We love them and are grateful that fate brought us here on that very first night.

Day 7: How it All Began (Plus a BBQ Celebration)

Cole (19) shredding the pork

Just four short years ago (almost to the day), my bold, blonde, soul sister marched up to Cole. I know you have all heard the story enough by now, so we won't dive in again here. We do bring up the point, though, as Cole and the rest of the "Softballas" played "Balls Deep" again today.

Cole was spectacular as I cheered him on, with three doubles and a diving grab in the outfield (the first time I'd seen him do this). We got to celebrate the game and our friends on both teams by organizing the (possibly) first annual BBQ cookout. Families came out to cheer on their moms, dads, and spouses, and we all got to enjoy delicious food after the game wrapped.

Cole offered some pulled pork sandwiches while John served as the Balls Deep Grill Master extraordinaire with burgers, brats, sausages, and hot dogs for the kids. We also had potato and pasta salads, cookies, corn bread, chips, and drinks.

While I've attended games before, the BBQ was a nice touch.  It was great to catch up with our friends on both teams and it was especially nice not to have to wait until 8 (or later) to sit down with my husband for delicious food.

Day 6: Harmony, Peace, Balance

Over Christmas, Cole stuffed my Christmas stocking with a bonsai plant kit. While outwardly thankful, internally I thought, "What the heck am I supposed to do with this?"

If you'll remember from my original quest, I lack a green thumb. ​My parents both love planting and gardening, and so does my husband Cole. Our gardening relationship is very-much lopsided: he weeds, digs, plants, and waters; I enjoy the fruits of his labor.

A bonsai tree represents strength, balance, virtue, patience, and humility; aspects that Cole and I admire, and try to embody in our day-to-day lives. In our move to grow beyond our loss, we decided to bring our bonsai tree to life. 

"A little green house"

The process is long and slow. For now, our little seedlings will sit in the refrigerator for the next 20 days. After this time, we will move the seedlings to a sunny window sill to represent the spring seasonal change. It will be at least a year before we have anything that we can tend to, and at least three years before we have anything to show off. Just like raising a child, the small choices you make early on have long-lasting consequences. We're already thinking about the shape and direction that we want our tree to grow in. We'll be making conscious choices throughout its growth, so we can shape and affect its future and ultimate potential.

It's a small, but symbolic step. We look forward to the day we are able to bring a life into this world, and help to shape his future.

Day 5: Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

My dad is the first man I've ever loved. I'm proud to say that I'm a "daddy's girl." He still spoils me to this day. 

There's a burger under this!

Cole and I were able to celebrate Father's Day with my parents, Ruby and Rudy, at Corey's Catsup and Mustard in Manchester, CT. This venue was not randomly picked; what's so new and different about this place, you ask? For one, the burgers and sweet potato fries are delicious! And two, it's the first time we've had lunch at a restaurant featured on Guy Fieri's Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives!

We may have overstated the "pilgrimage" in the title as this was a quick jaunt away, but we would have never visited if we had not been such big fans of the show.

The 7: Peppercorn seared double patties, BBQ
brisket, bacon, lettuce, onion, american cheese,
mayo on a sesame seed bun. (Everything delicious)

Cole ordered the burger featured on Triple D (the 7 Burger). I also had one of the featured dishes, the Buried Under Cheeseburger Salad! My parents went with a more traditional chicken sandwich, and also gave strong reviews. 

Per Cole, "That 7 was pretty boss" (whatever that means). He's definitely adamant about the quality of his burgers, so I will take his endorsement. 

I'm grateful for my parents and everything that they have and still do for us. Thanks for spending a great day with us and going out to try something new!

Day 4: Double Date Night!

What an eventful Saturday night we had, with so many firsts!

We did date night with the Bakers, friends I've known since high school. Although we've hung out with Ryan and Lauren on several occasions, Cole and I have never been on a double date with them. We chose the new restaurant NIXS in South Windsor to start our night.

The troublemakers

Ryan and Lauren arrived a few minutes before us and ordered little neck clams from the raw bar (which was the first time I'd ever had these). The one I had was delicious, I even asked Cole to prepare another one for me (which he ate). We exchanged fun stories about family, home renovations, and summer plans. We enjoyed some drinks and pretty great food. Since the Bakers were able to find a babysitter for the kids, we decided to continue our double date at Revolutions, a nearby adult bowling alley which was another first. That's when I figured out I had a clam allergy...

Flashback time: A few years ago, Cole and I went to a fancy farm-to-table restaurant down by the Connecticut shoreline. I indulged in their Quahog Chowder, which I shared with Cole, and a steak. On the drive home, I began to feel sick, forcing Cole to pull over on the side of the highway. I continued to feel sick the rest of the night, but Cole was fine. We thought I might've caught a bug, because I was fine the next morning. For my birthday last year, Cole took me to another fancy restaurant where we went all out.  We requested the Chef's Tasting Menu and let him choose our food. The meal featured an amazing "pearled" clam chowder among other unique creations; we both enjoyed an identical menu. Yet, when we arrived home from dinner, I began to feel sick. I spent my birthday night on the bathroom floor with a warm blanket and Nurse Mini, our dog. Again, Cole was fine.

Once was an oddity, twice we missed a connection, now three times and we've officially established a pattern. Not a great first time to make that connection, but now we know.

Revolutions was a blast despite this.  While my stomach got the best of me three times, I still bowled a 91 (missing my goal by nine pins), and did my happy dance during my strikes and spares. Cole bowled a whopping 135, garnering the highest score of the night.

We are grateful for the wonderful time we spent with our amazing friends and for all the firsts that they helped us experience!

Day 3: Getting Carded

We hope you didn't expect this blog to be our sob story.  As mentioned before, loss sucks; like a lot. Our whole goal in this 61 day journey is to grow: grow beyond our loss, grow individually, and grow as a couple.  Today, we grew ourselves as individual members of our town.

When out with our friends John and Sarah earlier this year, they told us about the Noah Webster Library, specifically their awesome kids section. We, especially Cole, were instantly excited about taking our kids there someday.

Ellaine: I loved to read as a little kid. One of my favorite memories growing up was going to the library with my parents and picking out books to read every few weeks. My elementary school participated in a program called "Book It." It encouraged kids to read; for every 10 books you read, you earned a free Pizza Hut pizza and got to ring a special bell. 

Somehow, the enthusiasm for books that I had as a child hasn't carried into adulthood, not because I lost my love of reading; I haven't made the time or effort to pick up a new book in quite some time.

Cole: I grew up far, far away from little Connecticut. Luckily, we had a pretty great library system in Colorado. While I cannot say that I spent my young life at the library, I do remember it fondly. It was a short bike ride away and I visited often with my brothers, Grant and Brett.  

We mainly visited so that we had something to do; there were only so many times you could visit the pool, or Subway (yes, the sandwich shop (CO doesn't actually have any subways)), or Taco Bell, and it blended in with the rest of what we did. We loved picking up books, just to have something to return the next week. Come high school, we learned that there were way bigger libraries with way more books available to us. I can't say that I read most of these books, but I can say that we enjoyed the study space that was far, far away from parental oversight.  

In our four years as West Hartford residents, we never visited the library system. Inherently, we always knew we needed to join, but it was John and Sarah who helped to push us in the right direction. We look forward to growing ourselves in the coming weeks and months by checking out new and different works of literature.

Day 2: Finding Solace

Loss is not easy. It never will be. The obstetricians we worked with suggested talking to a psychologist or attending a support group to help us through this process. While we knew they were right, we had not yet made the time for either. So when we were recently invited to a pregnancy and loss support group, we decided to go... today was our first meeting.

Friday, April 29 was a really difficult day. At 16 weeks, excitement filled me to see how much our baby had grown since we last saw her at the 12 week ultrasound. I anticipated longer limbs and a bigger, stronger body. I expected her to be squirmy and active. 

When I realized she was gone, I cried uncontrollably. I asked what I'd done wrong and how I could've done things differently. I was told miscarriage was fairly common, even in the second trimester. Still, I struggled with immense amounts of guilt and grief. I lost the baby Cole and I made. I lost the first grandchild on both sides of our family. I lost the first niece to Cole's brothers. The playmate to my cousins' and girlfriends' little ones was gone.

The days that followed were even darker. Family and friends reached out to express their condolences, and there were times when it was difficult to relive everything. I broke down in public places when I saw pregnant women. I stayed in bed until noon staring at the ceiling. I quickly lost the 10 pounds I'd gained because I had no appetite. I lashed out at Cole because I felt like he wasn't grieving "the right way."

Today's group helped us to address our feelings. We met others who'd experienced loss during the first, second, and third trimesters, and those who experienced loss shortly after birth. We shared the story of our pregnancy and the feelings our experience evoked: joy, excitement, guilt, sadness, anger. We talked about how our loss has impacted us individually and as a couple. We expressed worry over what pregnancy will be like the next time. We asked for help with how to deal with the roller coaster of emotions we still feel today.

I'm glad that we took this step, because we know that we're headed in the right direction. We are forever changed by our loss, but won't ever give up hope for what our future holds.

Day 1: A Taste of Italy

On Day 4 of 60 Things in 60 Days, I bought my first bottle of red wine. Up to that point, I was very much a white wine drinker, a sweet white wine drinker at that. Then I met Cole, a red wine drinker. 

Early on, Cole and I would take turns bringing a bottle of wine on our date nights; he always shared a bottle of red. I slowly became a fan of Malbec. And by slowly, I mean quickly. Beyond those 60 days, I expanded to Pinot Noir and Cabernet Sauvignon (with an occasional Chianti).

Being self-proclaimed wine connoisseurs, Cole and I planned a vacation to Italy, where we imagined ourselves hopping from vineyard to vineyard while there. When we found out we were pregnant, I settled for Gazzosa, a sparkling lemonade, instead.

As I mentioned before, the outpouring of love following our loss was remarkable. One friend, Connie, brought us Italian wine; since I couldn't enjoy wine in Italy, she wanted to bring Italian wine to me: a Valpolicella Ripasso. Cole and I have had lots of red wine in our time together, but never a Ripasso. So as we celebrate two years since becoming engaged, we sit here enjoying a glass of Italian wine. 

Better Together

Exactly four years ago, I challenged myself to try new and different things. 60 of them in fact.

At the time, I was in a rut; I wasn't married or having babies like everyone else around me. My life had become monotonous, and I needed more excitement. I chronicled my journey of self-discovery during 60 Things in 60 Days: I learned to cook, tried new foods, climbed rock walls, jumped out of a plane, and went on a blind date, just to name a few. As fate would have it, my first real blind date was life-changing; I married the guy who showed up that night. And now, four summers later, I'm ready to embark on more new experiences with my husband, Cole.

In early February, Cole and I were shocked by a positive pregnancy test just days before a trip to Italy. The "plan" was to wait until after Italy to start our family. We quickly learned that life doesn't always work out the way we expect. Surprised, though very ecstatic, we told our families the news; feelings of excitement and tears of joy filled all of us as we planned for our baby's arrival in October.

Appointment after appointment went well, as we watched our baby girl grow during our 6 week, 8 week, 9 week, and 12 week ultrasounds. But, again, life had other plans for us: by our 16 week checkup, our little girl wasn't kicking or wiggling anymore, and she no longer had a heartbeat. 

In the days and weeks following our loss, Cole and I were heartbroken, saddened, angered, and confused. But, in that time, we were also thankful; thankful for the outpouring of love and support we received from family and friends, and grateful that we had each other as pillars of strength during the healing process.

Despite the challenges we've faced in recent months, Cole and I still look forward to this summer. It's always been a special time for us: we met, were engaged, and eventually married during the summer season. In the coming days, weeks, and months, Cole and I anticipate experiencing new and different things together. We look forward to learning more about each other, exploring the world around us, challenging ourselves, and celebrating life with one another, family, and friends for the next 61 days.

Cheers to an unforgettable summer!​