Day 2: Finding Solace

Loss is not easy. It never will be. The obstetricians we worked with suggested talking to a psychologist or attending a support group to help us through this process. While we knew they were right, we had not yet made the time for either. So when we were recently invited to a pregnancy and loss support group, we decided to go... today was our first meeting.

Friday, April 29 was a really difficult day. At 16 weeks, excitement filled me to see how much our baby had grown since we last saw her at the 12 week ultrasound. I anticipated longer limbs and a bigger, stronger body. I expected her to be squirmy and active. 

When I realized she was gone, I cried uncontrollably. I asked what I'd done wrong and how I could've done things differently. I was told miscarriage was fairly common, even in the second trimester. Still, I struggled with immense amounts of guilt and grief. I lost the baby Cole and I made. I lost the first grandchild on both sides of our family. I lost the first niece to Cole's brothers. The playmate to my cousins' and girlfriends' little ones was gone.

The days that followed were even darker. Family and friends reached out to express their condolences, and there were times when it was difficult to relive everything. I broke down in public places when I saw pregnant women. I stayed in bed until noon staring at the ceiling. I quickly lost the 10 pounds I'd gained because I had no appetite. I lashed out at Cole because I felt like he wasn't grieving "the right way."

Today's group helped us to address our feelings. We met others who'd experienced loss during the first, second, and third trimesters, and those who experienced loss shortly after birth. We shared the story of our pregnancy and the feelings our experience evoked: joy, excitement, guilt, sadness, anger. We talked about how our loss has impacted us individually and as a couple. We expressed worry over what pregnancy will be like the next time. We asked for help with how to deal with the roller coaster of emotions we still feel today.

I'm glad that we took this step, because we know that we're headed in the right direction. We are forever changed by our loss, but won't ever give up hope for what our future holds.